After Tragedy... What Now?

I heard the news before I went into work on Friday. I felt disconnected and numb. I had to not let it sink in. I had to walk into my work, the preschool, and be full of joy and light as I look at all those little faces of children I am privileged to serve. As I held those little hands and listened to those little voices on Friday, I thought about how much each child has something incredibly unique and valuable to contribute to the world. I could tell you endless things that those children contribute to my life and the lives of those around them. It was not until I went home that night that I heard the President speak. I watched the news coverage. I lost it. I began to see all the faces of the children I love. I cannot imagine losing one of them. I began to feel frustrated that there is nothing I can do... there is nothing any mortal can do to prevent these disasters... to keep all children safe from horrendous tragedy. As sad as I feel for those families... for the children who passed... for the children who were escorted out of that building... we have to cling to hope in order to move forward. This morning I listened to a parent speak. He lost his little girl that Friday. Tears filled his eyes as he gave his sympathy for the family of the young man who killed so many. He proceeded to talk about the strengths of his little girl. He talked about how she made cards for others who were sad. She was so quick to want to help others and make them feel better. As much as hearing about this little girl breaks my heart, it also gives me courage. I need to trust that as people, we only have a limited understanding for what happens on this Earth and why. We have a God who is more than capable of making beauty from ashes. He heals. He binds up wounds. He is just. Although we can't undo the tragic event that took place at Sandy Hook, we can pray, hope, and trust that God is bigger. That community has to press forward. Our nation must work through the grief and fear that follows these events. We must work together to find solutions, to think creatively about how we can protect our children and spare the lives of innocent people. When I go back to work today, I carry a new appreciation and understanding with me. When I look into the eyes of those little ones, I understand they are fragile. They are mortal. They are not guaranteed to be with us. And I need to be strong for them. By being strong... I mean I need to trust the Lord. Rely on His wisdom when I don't know what more to do. I know that in serving Him, I will be ready to do whatever is necessary to keep these little ones from harm. To shield their eyes from evil. To protect their little hearts and bodies from anyone who could want ill for them. I am beyond grateful to be a teacher. To know these little people who are so malleable, so courageous, and so hopeful... with bright and brilliant futures ahead.

Thank you, God... for loving all of us more than we are capable of understanding. Thank you for being with those families who have lost their little ones. I pray you give them a peace that only You could provide. I pray you draw them in close to You as you mend their hearts. I ask that your will is done in that community... that You strengthen people and give them comfort in the company of each other. I pray that as a nation we can grieve together -- and then work together to make a difference in the future. Thank You, God, for the little ones You have entrusted in our care. I pray that You never let our hearts grow unappreciative or unaware of how truly blessed we are to be in the company of young children... they are so precious to You.

I'm sorry if you are one of those people who have seen "too much" of the news and heard "too much" through social media or otherwise. As much as I considered not posting something of this nature, I believe it is important to process and grieve when lives are lost. I hope and pray that as we are impacted by the media, we continue to think creatively and openly about what should be done for our future.

Some Secrets

Image c/o Modern Hepburn

First of all, let me just tell you: this is nothing super juicy.  No I'm not pregnant- and nothing major is going on.  ;)  Only little things that are major in my mind, you see.  Now you know you can turn away if you came here for the racy stuff.

It has been quite a while since have posted anything.  But a lot has changed!  There are some happenings in the Hawkins family...

1.  I have cysts on my ovaries.  That's weird.  Let me tell you... if you ever want to feel knocked sideways crazy you tell Jesus you would like to experience some cysts.  It was actually a blessing to know what exactly was going on with my body because feeling super sick and not knowing a thing can feel rather intimidating.  So I possibly have some syndrome...  I have to watch and see what craziness goes on with my body.  The natural way to manage this?  Nutrition and exercise.  Good thing I like both of those ideas.

2.  Luke is fully submerged in a new position as management for his company.  He now goes on business trips (boo for me) and teaches technology to teachers.  He is still teaching at the same school.  But now he gets to write curriculum and travel for work.  I am so proud of how hard he works and how God has blessed me through Luke's work ethic and passion for education.  My husband is pretty fantastic.

3.  School is in full swing for me (full time) and I am still working the best job in the world at the preschool.  What this means is my room is filthy (So warn me if you are coming over!), free time is rare, and my brain is overflowing with information.  I feel overwhelmed, but exceedingly blessed to be finishing my degree and studying a subject that is precious to me and Jesus!

4.  Some random dietary news... (Hey, you're reading my blog and I love this stuff.)  Luke and I are off coffee and loving tea.  Shocking, right?  One of my coworkers said, "You guys can't do that!  You met at a coffee shop!"  :)  Also, I am convinced that to pursue my athletic endeavors and to be a healthy, balanced mom (one day) I want to eat meat.  I know that's a little wild for those of you who really know me.  This vegetarianism thing has existed almost as long as I have been alive.  I could rattle on for a long time about this subject but I will try to make it brief.  All the trainers/nutritionists I love eat meat and promote the ethical and moderate consumption of meat for optimal health and fitness.  I have brushed it off until now.  Mentally it will take some time.  But I am excited about having more options and feeling more energized from protein. Additionally, Luke and I want to have children some day.  They will live out in the world and attend school where meat is served and all around.  Why not understand the options we have available and help our children navigate the issue in a way that promotes thoughtful choices?  They will get to make their own decisions, but I want to provide options and make sure they are healthy and happy.

That's all my ranting for now... time to do something academic.  (Hooray.)

P.S.  I don't know how to cook ANYTHING that was once alive.  So if you have some healthy recipes, help a sister out.  But I will probably skip the cow meat... maybe forever.

Thoughts On Beige Food

Image c/o Etsy

Those who know me probably know this: I am completely nerdy about wellness, nutrition, and exercise. This is a strange thing for those who knew me about three years ago. I grew up as a vegetarian by choice. My family ate meat and I ate... about five things. Pasta, potatoes, cheese, bread, and milk. My dad recently reminded me that I used to pick out any specs of color from my food and ask how animals were killed to become meat. (Not exactly a meal time conversation you might expect from a child.) I wanted to eat things of a certain texture. I wanted to eat things that tasted good and made me full. I ate this way (picky and vegetarian) until around the time Luke and I got engaged. Why? I was in love and I wanted to live a long and healthy life with Luke. I also wanted my diet to be a way I worshiped God. Wasn't my body a temple? I surely didn't treat it like it was something fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I began watching documentaries and scouring the internet. I had to change the way I thought and felt about food. I had to go from ignorance, mindless eating, and desiring instant gratification to asking questions. Why should my food be colorful? Am I eating because I am hungry? Why shouldn't I eat fast food? Why don't I eat meat? Food is important. We should have opinions about why we eat certain things and why we avoid other things. There are reasons most people don't feel well. There are reasons Americans are dying from heart disease. There are reasons obesity is an epidemic.

I am newly into fitness. I spent so much of my life being lazy. Now I need to make up for lost time. I didn't realize how much happier I would be with an active lifestyle. I used to be a depressed person. Now I am not. I really believe that running and regular exercise changed this for me. (Not to mention Jesus... but that's another story.) Now I want to always have fitness goals. If I don't make this a priority now, I will spend the rest of my life making excuses about why I am sitting on my butt. 

My goal here is not to "preach". My goal is to say if I can do it, you can too. I used to only eat things that are beige. I used to maybe eat one fruit a week. I used to get tired from going on long walks. I used to... weigh fifteen pounds heavier than I am right now. (True story.) All of this to say, please get inspired about what you eat and the way you treat your body. You can feel better. You can be active. You can live a long and healthy life with your loved ones. It's worth it! You are worth it, my friend.

On Marriage

Shannon Moore Photography

After tons of green tea and some important conversations with a couple of dear friends, my mind is on marriage. Marriage is many things to the world: political, controversial, offensive, celebratory, captivating, mysterious, sacred... the list goes on and on. It seems clear that marriage is important. Otherwise, what would all the fuss be about? When I think of marriage, words come to mind based on my own experiences: transforming, hilarious, comforting, sanctifying, restoring, authentic, unique, enriching. Just before Luke and I got married, I had come out of a (very) difficult time. I did not feel like a good person. (I wasn't.) I didn't like who I was. I did not feel that I deserved the blessing and experience of falling in love and becoming engaged. Especially to Luke. Luke seemed to be the opposite of how I felt on the inside. He was honest, patient, consistent, gentle, loyal, and loving. He and I had known each other for years. Luke knew the best and worst of me, so I was stunned that this man still wanted to marry me. 

Even after we exchanged vows, it took my heart some time to accept his love for me. Why would I be freely given such a beautiful gift? Then one day, it was as if a light bulb turned on. My marriage was a symbol of God's grace and mercy in my life. It reflects what God has done for me- and for us. God is generous. He gives good gifts. He blesses us when we don't deserve it. He loves us in ways that soften our hardened hearts until we change and grow. I have learned so much about the way God loves me through Luke. I can't help but hope and pray that this is what marriage looks and feels like for all Christians.

I am thankful that God has blessed me with an incredible husband in Luke. My experience of marriage gives me hope and faith that my friends and family will also be blessed through their marriages. What an incredible way to experience life on this Earth... to be humbled... to say sorry... to laugh until you cry... to talk about Jesus... to change together. If you are reading this and you have been hurt by marriage- I am so sorry and I pray God will restore your mind and heal your heart. If you are reading this and you are discouraged- I pray God will show you how He loves you more than any one person is able to. (How can you be discouraged when you are convinced that you are truly loved by the God of the universe?) If you are reading this and you are not a Christian- I pray God will reveal Himself to you... that you can see evidence of His love in people, in nature, and in the ways He is already demonstrating His love for you in your life. Marriage is not the only way God shows us He loves us, but for me it has been healing, joyful, and precious. I am confident that God has enormous plans for you... ways He wants to love you that are more beautiful than you can imagine or hope for yourself. 

Lessons in Springtime

Image via Modern Hepburn

There is something about springtime that makes me cheerful. I find myself eagerly anticipating upcoming events: Easter, my birthday (which means much needed time with family and friends), our 5K, the eventual end of the school semester, summer, Live Oak, our second wedding anniversary, etc. It's all right around the corner! There are always things to look forward to... which is great. My mind can't help but think of the next two plus years and all that might take place within that time. Why must I try to plan the rest of my life before it begins? I hope to teach myself to slow down and be a little less Type A. Deep down I know I am not the one who is in control of my life. 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." 

- Proverbs 16:9

Now that I am on spring break, I will catch up on cleaning, homework, and sleep. I should also spend time savoring this season and enjoying the gifts that God is giving me now. Running. Falling asleep to the sound of the rain. Meaningful conversations with loved ones. Sleeping in. Morning coffee dates with Luke. Reading the Bible before bed. Cinnamon in my black coffee. Nights I get to cook from scratch. Quiet mornings around the house. Cuddles from the little ones.

Life is made up of little things (and some huge things). Jesus. People. The moments we treasure. It's time to step away from my plans and spend more time celebrating this amazing life and the joys in it.

My Soul Glorifies

I'm sad I haven't written more lately. But I am not sad that I spent the last few weeks memorizing over 96 names of wee ones. I am not sad that life feels full and my heart feels grateful for the intricate way God has pieced my life together. I am reminding myself that in times of busyness, the little things done unto the Lord are the big things that make up our life. Tonight my husband thanked me for baking for church -- and I remembered how blessed I am to be able to love people through homemade baked goods. I am also able to pray over 3 year-old's when they are having rough days. I can thank God while I help them jump from play structures into the sand. I can sing worship songs when I am in the car during my 14-hours away from home days. I can absorb the beauty of where we live when I am training for a 5K (and the eventual half marathon) with my husband. All of these little things make me so happy that I could burst. Jesus is always good, and I should always remember to thank Him.

Decision

I started to think about something I used to identify with: indecision. What makes someone indecisive? For me, it was rocky relationships, constantly changing career goals, inconsistent emotions, lack of commitment, and reoccurring bouts of overall dissatisfaction. Even my short hair cuts displayed my indecision. (I must have been pretty fun, right?) I no longer identify with indecision. Today I thought to myself, What changed?

I found hope that I could change. There is something about hope that is contagious. It spreads to all other areas of life. (Hope is from God; anything else that is called hope is simply masquerading as hope.) When we believe in Jesus, He gives us His strength and changes our lives. Looking back, I have no idea what I did... because I didn't really do anything. It was all God. My heart is different now. My eyes are set on Him. I am far from perfect; but looking to Him for my identity and my path is what made me more decisive.

Multiple areas of my life are starting to show this change. I love Luke without holding back. I am working my dream job- spending my days with the little ones. I am moving towards completing my degree. But more than any of these things, I no longer look inward for my identity. My hope is in Jesus. He sets my footing. He holds my future in His hands.

Leaping

It is a big week for me. My school break is officially over; four classes and a pile of homework are staring me in the face. I am ending one job and starting another. Transition makes me nervous until I remind myself how I got here in the first place. One decision led to a domino effect of things falling into place. In other words, God is faithful and He has plans for us.

One of my marriage books shares how it feels emotionally to act on faith. The analogy was that you jump from an edge and for a moment you feel like you are free falling. But God is the invisible rope around you; He suspends you and keeps you safe. The fear melts away when I remember He is there. He turns our leaps of faith into blessings and joy. I know that years from now, I will look back on this time and feel grateful that I chose to take the leap.

Ten Things

1. I am not sure I will go back to drinking coffee. My doctor had me take a week off (to see if I developed a sensitivity). The first day was terrible. I have no desire to repeat that!

2. I am completely convinced natural, unmedicated childbirth is optimal for both mother and baby. BUT I still think natural childbirth is frightening... or the gauntlet of the modern woman. Or like that scene from Alien.

3. Baking and cooking from scratch comes with such great satisfaction. Free aromatherapy!

4. The Gospel Church is seriously amazing. I am in awe of all those incredible people who hang out in our little church.

5. I really nerd out on planning healthy meals for the week, having leftovers for lunch, and utilizing leftover ingredients. Do normal people do this?

6. I get to work with kids?! I am so excited. I hope they like me as much as I like them!

7. My husband was running out the door the other morning, and then I saw him run back towards our house. He grabbed our watering can and rinsed the frost off my windshield. He's such a keeper.

8. I wish I could write a book about individuals from diverse backgrounds. People who lead quiet lives with varying occupations and lifestyles. Bus drivers, stay-at-home moms, homeless veterans, etc. There are so many untold stories out there!

9. I made my first tortilla soup last night. I am trying to warm up to tomatoes. Baby steps.

10. I love the feeling of being sore after a workout, but it creeps me out to think there are tiny tears in my muscles!

That's all. I love you.

Confession

Sometimes I really, really want to be a mom. Before you try to convince me to go for it- I already know we are waiting a while. I have things to check off the "Before I have a baby" list. (Degree, working with children for a while, fitness goals, etc.) Luke and I have financial goals we hope to tackle before making that leap too. We also want to do a little traveling and soak up our time together. And I love just being us. We have so much fun; things never feel empty or lacking in any way. But one thing I know: having a baby will be awesome one day.

For now, I leave you with these...

Mushy

It's not hard for me to be in awe of Luke D. Hawkins. Here are a few reasons why:

1. This guy will offer to do dishes, laundry, make dinner, or anything that will make me feel loved or relieve stress. He knows practical things make me feel loved in busy seasons. (Also, he always cleans and helps happily. Definitely something I need to work on!)

2. If he knows I am going somewhere, he will look up directions and send them to me. (He knows I could get lost in my hometown.)

3. He watchers Hoarders with me. (That takes someone special!)

4. He wakes up and sings me silly songs about whatever comes into his half-awake mind. I totally sing him songs too. We're probably the strangest people I know.

5. He gets just as excited as I do about date nights, books, fitness, cool words, trips, organization, food, and future plans.

6. He nerds out with me on health, nutrition, and fitness. This guy has lost over 70 pounds, and has done an incredible job working towards a long and healthy life with me. I love that!

7. He's up for anything. Whether it's a night in with Human Planet and the roommates or an early morning adventure, he is 110% in.

8. He was practicing before leading worship at our church the other morning- and I was blown away with how talented he is. His voice is a-mazing. Luke would completely deny this, but he is one of those people who happens to be great at everything.

9. My leader of a husband. I am so grateful that I married a man who is honest, kind, strong, and wise. He always makes me feel safe and honored. My prayer for every wife would be that her husband makes her feel this way!

10. He is my best friend. I never thought someone could know everything about me and still love me. (Besides Michelle, of course! But that's a different kind of love.) He never makes me bad about my shortcomings, but he knows exactly how to encourage me and make me want to be a better person in every way.

  

Reason To Celebrate

Something has been going on that I have not been completely open about. Nope, I'm not pregnant. (But nice try.) To make a long story short(er), Luke and I came to a fork in the road months back. One path was "Emily does nursing/lactation education and will be in school for about seven years" and the other was "Emily continues in child development and finishes her degree." I struggled with indecision. When Luke and I got back together, one of the things that I wanted to grow in was decisiveness. I wanted to make (big and small) decisions and stick with them. That can be hard for certain people. (Ahem.) After identifying my values, personal strengths, and what I enjoy doing, I realized that child development was the fit for me. I shouldn't have ever questioned it. I made that decision, and told God that I would not look back. I immediately began to receive confirmation that I had done the right thing. I had friends tell me I had a way with their children. (Thank you!) I had people ask me for resources. I was able to tell parents that they were doing a fantastic job. I would cry when children would sing or do something sweet. (I have become such a crier!)

That's when an unexpected opportunity emerged. I received an interview at a preschool that was a dream job, dream school... everything. I was so scared to interview. I wanted it- and I didn't want to admit how much I wanted it. I had studied what was necessary but I was lacking the formal experience. I was seriously terrified that I would not get it. But guess what? I got it!

I spent this morning being hugged by little ones. Watching them dance and practice their letters. Letting them button my jacket and brushing hair out of their eyes. And it felt like home. I am so happy and overwhelmed at the same time. How amazing our God is and how thankful I am to have this opportunity. I am so encouraged- that God knows the desires of our heart and He knows the journeys we must take in life. He challenges us and strengthens us through His blessings and His plan. (Not our plans, by the way!) I hope my experience can give you even more hope for your big and little dreams. God has intricate and abundant plans for your life.

Sweet, Busy January

This weekend was filled to the brim with plans and celebrations. Saturday began in the best way: breakfast with my beloved friend Kielly. You know those people who know everything about you and still love you? Yep, that's her. She's been by my side through thick and thin. We can go months without seeing each other, and then reunite with fits of laughter and delight over shared snippets of life. Seeing her is like taking a deep breath the morning after a good rain.

After breakfast, I grabbed the Mr. and we ventured to Orcutt for a grand event. My mom just opened a yoga studio! I am so proud of her for achieving one of her dreams. She and my dad did a gorgeous job getting the place ready. She couldn't let everyone into classes last week because they reached maximum capacity. This weekend she had an open house to let the community share in her joy. It was such a blessing to be a part of her day. Naturally, I received plenty of compliments on how amazing my mom is. I couldn't agree more. :)

Luke and I were determined to have a date night this weekend. After the open house, we headed to Full of Life Flatbread in Los Alamos. We felt right at home with the bustling activity of the restaurant. I adore exposed kitchens in restaurants. It presents this attitude of "Our food is fresh, our kitchen is clean, and we are proud of what we make!" We enjoyed watching children gleefully shove flatbread into their mouths. There were also plenty of delicious desserts and flatbread pizzas presented to cheerful crowds. We even ordered a dessert- which we never do. But this was no ordinary dessert... it was one made by Kielly Lewis. Kielly is now the head pastry chef at Full of Life. She is also famously known for the cupcakes at our wedding. This girl has worked so hard to perfect her skills and find a great place to settle in and bake. I am ridiculously proud of her. I demonstrated that pride by consuming every ounce of the glorious crepe cake we ordered. I had to fight my husband for a fair share. :)

We couldn't quite capture our dessert with the restaurant lighting... but this is a likeness of the wonder that was my dinner. As far as dessert goes- you must see for yourself!

Sunday morning began with watching Eli. We brought the baby monitor into our bedroom and listened to him sing to himself for a while. When he was ready to play, we pulled him out to relish in the morning sunshine that filled our home. We got the little man ready to go, and headed to The Gospel Church with our friend Lukey and Eli in tow.

Sunday was made memorable by celebrating our niece's 5th birthday. Bella is five! How the years fly by. She is shooting up and becoming more gorgeous by the minute.

Bella at Avila Barn this last October

After becoming truly tuckered out by our time at Chuck E. Cheese's, we scooted home to pajamas and responsibilities. I made "Portland Porch" lettuce wraps with edamame pesto for dinner. Luke says it's one of his new top 5 favorite recipes. I am so lucky to have a husband who will eat whatever veggie-filled, nutrient-dense meal I prepare with a huge smile on his face. What a champion! We topped off our weekend with some lazy time with the roommates.

How full and glorious was this weekend?!

One and a Half Years of Marriage

I routinely spend the first half of January wondering how it is already January. This morning I realized the presence of this month means Luke and I have been (almost) married for a year and a half. Folks are not kidding when they say years of marriage fly by. Luke and I have learned a great deal in this short amount of time. We have learned how to work through disagreements and grumpy moods. We have grown in silliness, ability to make each other laugh, and how to be a better team. I love Luke now more than I did on our wedding day. He is more intelligent, challenging, honorable, patient, hilarious, adventurous, and loving than I could have ever imagined. Saying I am spoiled would be a radical understatement. ;)

Things we like: weekends together, well-crafted coffee beverages, discovering new recipes, The Gospel Church, our friends, reading books in our pajamas, talking about new workouts/wellness research, the rare bottle of wine, roadtrips, dancing around the house, singing and worshiping, visiting our families, date nights, our roommates, and seeing our Godson daily. 

Things we watch/have watched: Dexter, Mad Men, Hoarders, documentaries, and we just started John Adams. (We only get to watch things when I am not in school... or when I'm sick. 

Things we eat: burritos, veggies, smoothies, homemade wheat bread, and a plethora of new recipes I find each week. Our kitchen is like my laboratory. Luke's current favorite is dill stew. I try to make us vegan dinners, for the most part.

Places we would like to go: Washington state, Boston, New York, Washington D.C., Alaska, Spain, Italy, France, New Zealand, and back to Oregon. At least. ;) 

Dreams we dream: Getting a dog to take on hikes, doing some sort of marathon together, buying a home, (eventually) having babies, writing books, playing music, travelling, and living long, healthy lives together. 

If money grew on trees: We would buy a big Victorian home or a big chunk of land that we could split with the Elling family. We would build our dream homes and buy some goats and chickens. I would plant a gigantic vegetable garden and Eli would dig in the dirt with me. Luke would write more. The boys would have a bigger man cave. Emily and Michelle would craft more and take sewing classes together. We would have big feasts and sleepovers with all of our friends. Luke and I would make time for international trips and visit other places in the U.S. 

Luke encourages Emily in: writing more worship songs, writing in general, mixed media and drawing projects, achieving workout and health goals, making nutritious meals, working with children, and finishing school... for now.

Emily encourages Luke in: writing, singing (amazing- just sayin'), working on his book, writing children's books with his wife, achieving workout and health goals, building things for our home, and growing professionally.  

 

Love List #2

My plan is to keep up these love lists. I will never tire of writing them!

• Warm California days in winter... oh how I love you, Central Coast!
• Finding increased comfort in God's timing and plans for others and our family
• Following through with healthy eating and fitness goals with Luke Hawkins
• Letting go of things that bring me down... and having more energy to focus on lovely things!
• Enduring friendships that keep me laughing and looking forward to "doing" life together
• Discovering more natural and cost-effective ways to take care of myself (d.i.y. honey face wash and teeth whitener!)
• Cherishing the moments. Like waking up with Ben Ayers in our home... or Eli's newest "thing". (Eli will knock on doors when he wants you to come out. He also "sings" when you sing.)
• Growing in faith and learning that having a relationship with God is nothing like having a relationship with a person...

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure. - Isaiah 25:1