Joy Stealers

I used to say I never held grudges- and I meant it. It would be so hard for me to stay mad or hold onto a bitter feeling. I had trouble allowing myself to experience emotions. I wouldn't express anger or cry easily. Around the time Luke and I got back together, I was changing a lot. I was becoming more authentic and learning to communicate in a healthy way. Slowly but surely, I began to cry again. (Now I cry when children sing Christmas songs. No joke.) I eventually learned how to navigate through emotions and communicate through conflict. But with these things came increased bouts of frustration and sadness. I allowed myself to feel... so I felt in a wild array of colors.

These powerful emotions have taught me to deal with things as they come up. As someone who loves Jesus, I should be able to glorify Him in the way I process and manage emotions. I have discovered that certain things are particularly efficient at stealing my joy. What things, people, events, and reminders come along and steal your joy? Sometimes it is not even the person or thing itself, but what it represents or how we interpret it. It is helpful to identify what you are up against before you plan how you will defend yourself.

There are a couple of things that really get to me. In no particular order: fearing opinions or not pleasing others, seeing someone who has things more "together" than I do, pride, and reminders of who I was and what I have done in the past.

I have found that scripture and shifting my focus are the most effective tools for me. Here are some verses that always snap me out of my negative thought patterns and cycles:

"But Jesus said to him, 'No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.'” - Luke 9:62


“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” - Phil. 3:14-15

“Fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” - Proverbs 29:25


It also has helped me to focus on my blessings and remind myself of who God says that I am. At other times, I find that stepping outside and appreciating God's creation is effective. Trees, the sky, and stars quickly remind me that it's not about me. The Big Man is actually in control. And that's a good thing. God calls us to many things today and in the future. We can choose to look towards God and seek to love others when we are tempted to be focused on ourselves. Those are the things that are more real and brilliant than any emotions or lies we might choose to believe.

Making The Most

Do you ever find yourself bothered by an inconvenience-- or a tested by a situation? I was thinking about how we, as people, feel when we are met with discomfort. I wonder if our resistance to trial is unique to our generation and affluent culture, or if people have always cringed at the first hint of conflict. Sometimes I acquire this attitude that suggests I do not need or deserve difficulties. How strange is it to expect a life without struggles? 

How can we look at the trials in our life and allow them to sculpt us and make us better? Can we look at transition and discomfort and see evidence of a God who loves us? Truly, we can see that individuals who endure hardship can become stronger and more mature as a result. Evidence shows us that we have to work for things that are worthwhile (marriage, childbirth, friendships, education, exercise etc.). We see that pain and discomfort can produce the most tangible and gorgeous evidence of God's love for us. Trial is a part of life. One that is not only necessary but beneficial. I will spend my life trying to be grateful through pressing times. There is so much joy and gratitude to be found in every point of our life, no matter what the circumstances may be. 

We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken.

–Amy Carmichael

Testimony Part 2: Luke

A foreword: When I met Luke, he was a young-faced man with a pile of curls on top of his head and a stack of books in his arms. He was always donning a tie and ordering the same drink at Starbucks, where I worked at the time. I remember the day he turned in an application, and the day I trained him on the espresso bar. We became friends immediately. He seemed much cooler and more cultured than I was. He would tell me about new bands and share fascinating and comical anecdotes. We were both in serious relationships at the time -- so there was never any romantic notion. Plus, Luke was a “good guy” and I was not a “good girl”. We worked together for years; he had a front row seat to the ups and downs of my life at that time. A long while later, he and I were both single and spending more time together. I was attracted to him; he was unlike any guy I had ever met. He was a gentlemen. He loved God. He was intelligent. He challenged me. Much to my surprise, he showed interest in me. I left our job at Starbucks. Then we dated, somewhat briefly. I had concluded he was a good guy -- and I still felt like a “bad” girl. I couldn't accept a love that was 100%. I was meant to be with someone less smitten with me, I was sure. Terrified of commitment and convinced I was not deserving someone like him, I freaked out and found a way out of the relationship.

Fast forward:

For about a year before Luke and I were engaged, I couldn’t stop listening to Mars Hill podcasts on marriage. They had a series on Song of Songs: “The Peasant Princess”. (Whether you are married or single, I would highly recommend this series!) The sermons were full of important (Biblical) information: what constitutes a real man, what is a Godly woman, what defines purity before and in marriage, what marriage means before God, etc. Why was I fascinated with this series before Luke and I were even back together? I had no idea at the time, but I listened to the entire series multiple times. Looking back, it seems God was preparing me for marriage. It seems like I knew I better figure out what it would mean to be married.

To say I was incredibly confused, even just months before Luke and I got together, is a radical understatement. I was coming out of a time of brokenness (while wanting to be married), and it was not simple on a logical or an emotional level. I met with a couple of close friends who I could be open with- who would not suggest a mental institution first and foremost. (Thank you Michelle, Valerie, and Amy. You are wonderful!) To simplify why I was so confused: I had been in serious relationship(s) prior to marriage. I had also received “confirmation” from people about these relationships. (For example: "There is no one else for you -- I'm sure of it." or "Nothing would make sense if you two were not together.") People told me to be patient and wait for things to “come around“. The reality is, those “other things” were not right -- nor were they edifying or healthy for me (or them). There is another thing too... if you read my testimony, you’ll recall that I hurt a lot of people that did not deserve to be hurt. Looking back, I realized I felt indebted because of my past sin and foolish actions. Looking back, I realize that we do not stay in the past out of guilt or condemnation. God allows us to move forward in freedom. Anyway…

I had coffee with Valerie one afternoon and was feeling especially open about my situation. I told Valerie that something about Luke almost bothered me. We went to the same church, and had overlapping social circles. I would run into him and he seemed to get stuck in my head. He would also make me all smiley and unable to control the emotions that I really liked to keep on lockdown. Why couldn’t I put on my game face with him?! Valerie asked, “What would life be like if you and Luke were together?” I paused for a moment and then said, “I think life would feel… fuller… somehow enriched.” Valerie just nodded. She was such a blessing to talk to. She has this way of being open and not pushing for a specific outcome in difficult situations.

I decided to fast. I needed to take some things away to gain some clarity. At the same time, I landed in a ministry that paralleled with Luke’s. It was the kind of thing that reached out and grabbed me. And without much of a choice, I needed his help to navigate through this new situation. He encouraged me and assured me that God had prepared me and would use my past to encourage others. He simply said, “You’ve got this. Give me a call if you need anything.”

I needed help. I had never mentored someone or helped them through such difficult problems before. I called Luke more than a handful of times, and kept running into him at the Starbucks we used to work at. One night I ran into him at Starbucks, and I was feeling pretty goofy due to my lack of food from the fast. I didn’t have much of a filter when talking to him that night. We laughed -- and he showed me pictures of dinosaurs and cute kids. We kept talking after Starbucks kicked us out at closing. We continued to talk in the parking lot until I couldn’t feel my toes. He casually mentioned he might be pulling an all-nighter to finish a paper because of how long we talked. Woops. I went to sleep that night knowing that we were going to get married. Seriously?! Yep.

We planned a time to get together to talk openly about what was going on with “us”. He made me go first. Hands trembling and feeling like a scared little girl, I spilled. I told him how confused I had been. I told him about the terrible things I had done -- and why I didn’t think he would want to be with someone like me. And then I told him I thought we were supposed to be together. He was gracious. He listened intently. Much to my relief, he didn’t judge me. He thought we were supposed to be together too.

He continued to tell me what he had experienced since we had been apart. He wanted to be with someone -- but nothing felt right. He grew a lot -- and realized how much we had both gained in the time we were not together. We talked about God... we talked about marriage... we talked about how we would honor each other before marriage… we dreamed about what the future could hold for us.

As much as I loved Luke then, I love him so much more now. There is something so huge that happens when you agree to do life with someone, in light of who you have been, what you have done, while knowing who God says you are and who He calls you to be. Luke has been my encourager… my reminder of God’s forgiveness and mercy in my life. Luke is one of my greatest example’s of how God loves us. Without deserving or understanding how or why, God lavishes us with gifts, despite our shortcomings and failures. My marriage to Luke has changed my heart forever. I realized I was undeserving. I was given so much more than I asked for. I expected to love someone more than they could love me. I was given someone who loves me thoroughly -- knowing everything about me. There is so much more I could say about Luke -- about marriage -- and about God's continual work in my life. But if I needed to sum it up and make it relevant for someone else, I would say this:

God loves to give us more than we deserve. Do not settle. Do not expect the worst for your future. Don't diminish your value -- especially in relationships. You are worthy of receiving love. You are not defined by what you have done. His timing is perfect. Have confidence in the process. Repent. Forgive yourself, and say sorry when it is necessary. Be honest; it's hard, but you will never regret living truthfully. If you want to be married someday, don't rush or waste your heart on anything less than what God has for you. If you are married, be blessed and sanctified through the union God has you in. To evidence incredible God's love, all you need to do is open your eyes and look around you!

Testimony

I grew up in the kind of home that was enviable. My friends would say, "Your parents are so cool! My parents ___________." (Insert whatever level and type of kid commentary you can think of.) My parents were generous, laid back, and supportive. (For the record- they are still all those things!) My brother was pretty mellow and had straightforward passions and talents. He was musically driven and well-loved by everyone he encountered. I was (we'll say this nicely) the more dramatic child. My interests varied, and I was constantly challenging my parents to keep up. I was involved in: ballet, tap, modern dance, sewing, raising rabbits, piano, clarinet, vocal training, porcelain doll making, drawing, writing articles for the local paper, creative writing, soccer, and other things I have forgotten by now. Although my mom swears I was a sweet kid, I remember being high maintenance and desirous of attention. I continued to have dynamic ups and downs into young adulthood. I went through seasons of feeling confident and sensing a general hope for my future. I went through other seasons filled with young girl woes: friendship drama, not fitting in, and teen angst.

When I reached high school, I was still trying to figure myself out. I began developing real friendships and asking some bigger questions. At this point, I had already dabbled in most things that lead to trouble. I foolishly sought to fill the holes obtained by living in the world. It was probably my sophomore year in high school when I was invited to a Christian winter camp. I had friends who were going- and decided I wanted to go too. My parents were supportive, feeling that Christian values were generally good -- and that it would be a positive experience for me. Not knowing what to expect, I went into it with an open mind. I played in the snow. I stayed up late with my girl friends. I learned about Jesus. Christianity was compelling and... different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I couldn't ignore it either. One late night in our cabin, I asked my friend Katie to pray for me. I accepted Christ and asked Him to come into my life. I came back from camp and life returned to "normal". Without accountability or understanding of what it meant to be changed, I just went back to being "me". Years later, I loosely held onto the label of Christianity. However, my life did not resemble what I claimed. I partied with friends. I constantly had a guy I was into. I lost sight of my value. I began to function out of the desire to feel loved, accepted, and worthy. Nothing I pursued made me feel more valuable. If anything, the desire for these things left me feeling empty. It seemed that these things had a unique way of stripping anything good and pure away. I was left in shambles -- and it was my fault.

At the time, I was going through a lot of this with my best friend, Michelle. She had a similar experience with Christianity. Being "saved" and then falling away -- we sympathized with each other. Life was rough, and we seemed to be victims in all of it. I forget which one of us seemed to declare we had reached all-time low, but Michelle's immediate reaction was, "We need to go to church." Begrudgingly, I went to church with her. The first night she brought me to her church, I tried to pray during worship. I asked God if I was still "saved"... if I could ever be loved by Him after all I had done. Shortly after my prayer, I got the chills. It wasn't cold. And no one had brushed my arm or said a word to me. I felt pretty sure it was what people called "The Holy Spirit". I had no idea -- but I couldn't shake the feeling. I had grown up trying to disbelieve everything until it was logically proven to me. And now, a feeling was so strong -- it would convince me to believe? That was only the beginning for me. Michelle and I began attending church regularly. We started reading our Bibles. But I can't tell you that it was all sunshine and roses from that point on. Unfortunately, it was quite the contrary. After I began to seek Jesus, I continued entertaining my desires to feel loved. It didn't seem to be "enough" for me to be loved by God alone. He seemed to be a big, distant God up in the sky who had an old book written by dead people. Again, life went on. I pursued relationships. I entered and ended relationships without much thought. I swooned over guys, and I didn't care that my "romance" with them was destructive. In fact, I enjoyed the tumultuous and risky aspects of "love". I am talking about "love" a lot here, but let me tell you, saying it was a weak point of mine is a catastrophic understatement. My turbulent relationships spun my life in a majorly unhealthy direction. (I'm not a victim here; so don't think that.) I became a person who did not think through things. I was moved by emotions -- and I did not care who I affected and what consequences came from my actions.

I hit an all time low about three to four years ago. I hated myself. I hated what I had done. I hated that I had hurt many people... people who didn't deserve to be hurt. I hated that I felt unlovable, unworthy. I hated that I was deceptive. I felt like if everyone knew who I really was -- everyone would desert me. No one would want to know a person so awful, so careless. This was rock bottom. I began to reach out for help. I reached out to my mom. I broke down to Michelle. I needed help. I needed the pieces of my broken life and heart to be mended. I knew, in a burning and undeniable way, that I needed to lay everything out before God. If there was a way to be saved, I knew He was the only way. There wasn't a magical moment that I was healed. Instead, it was a slow and (at times) painful process. I owed several people apologies for what I had done to them out of my selfishness. I had to backtrack through painful experiences and look at my motives. I had to look at my life honestly. I had to spill the bad stuff to people I loved. I needed to let people in. That was the most painful part. I felt God nudging me to let people into the ugliness. I learned to cry again. I had gone for very long periods of time without shedding a single tear. And as soon as I began to let people into what had really gone on, the tears began to flow like Niagra Falls on steroids.

I remember waking up one morning after beginning this process and I thought, This is really happening. I have really hit rock bottom. And people really know who I am. It was terrifying. And then it was freeing. I needed to replace the garbage I had in my head and my heart with truth. I began reading the Bible. I began to replace the lies and the excuses I had stored in my head. My friendships became honest. The grasp of my past seemed to lessen. Who did I have to impress anyway? The reality is -- I am a nobody. I have not achieved anything great on my own accord. I have done a whole lot that I am not proud of. But God -- He alone knows me and sees through my heart. He somehow gave me this courage to move forward even though I felt petrified by my sin and foolishness. Repentance is hard. Saying that I have done awful things... feels awful. But the feeling of freedom from the bondage I have collected... feels incredible. There is nothing compared to the freedom that comes from knowing God, from encountering something real. He is real. He is real because there is hope. Because there are people like me, whose lives are so wrecked and disastrous until He comes in and rearranges the pieces. I am not sure I can even say I was a Christian until a few months before I was engaged. I was a flailing sinner maybe, a lost and silly little girl. After I hit rock bottom and decided to come up for air, that's when I really gave my life to God. I told Him that my failed attempts to control my life only left everything a wreck. He was the only answer for me. The fact that God redeems, that God loves us in our brokenness, speaks of His heart and power. If He can love me, and bless me generously despite my sinfulness, I have no doubt that He can save and restore anyone.

There is more to this story... how Luke and I got together (for the second time, mind you) and became engaged. Since that is somewhat the second and final completion to my testimony... that will be a sequel of sorts.

Love List #1

Things that evidence God's love today:

-Times of rest! So thankful for a husband that encourages me to slow down and enjoy the world around me.
-Socks and electric blankets. So I can have confidence my toes will still be attached the next morning
-Living simply. This is America, and we are always living in excess. But budgeting and trying to be wise about our future has built my faith tremendously. Thank you, God! He shows me we can be happy with what we have.
-Little Eli has learned to "kiss". I'll sprawl out on the ground and he'll scoot over to rest his head on my head. (He simply puts his eye or his mouth on my face. Pretty hilarious to watch, I'm sure.) "Kisses!"
-Times with friends and family. Oh, how school has stolen these times! I am so thankful to visit with loved ones again. Precious hours of laughing, celebratory eating, and hugs. This is how holidays (and life in general) should be!
-Bella. Bella called me "Aunt Emily" the other day, and I was reminded of how sweet it is to be an aunt! Getting hugs, being whispered to, and being able to love on her is such a treasure.
-The Gospel Church. Luke and I can't stop saying to each other, "It is so nice to be here." We love being able to "do" life with people we admire. They encourage us to pursue Jesus and stay focused on the Gospel in the most warm, unpretentious fashion. We can't wait to see what the future holds for our "baby" church.

Anticipation

Has it ever occurred to you that we spend a great deal of time waiting for things to happen?

When we are little, we wonder what it will be like to be "grown up". As we grow older we begin to find our identity in education, choosing a career path, and our ultimate career goals. (Side note: I cringe when people make their careers their entire life and identity. Life and who we are should amount to so much more than that! Anyway...) Besides the job, we are waiting for: holidays, payday, weekends, romance, babies, home, vacation, celebrations, and eventually... retirement? Sometimes I wonder how much time I spend looking forward to future plans and opportunities. Even as I write this, I am waiting for an important email to pop up in my inbox. This one little email will shape part of my future- and I find myself watching and waiting for it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the future. Do we gain something in weighing the future so heavily... or is it stealing our joy in today?

Oh Happy Weekend!

Weeks seem to come and go in a whirlwind of activity. I need to work on soaking them up and making time to relax with my husband. (Luke lovingly told me a while ago that I had a hard time relaxing. Luke tells me that even when I watch movies, I opt for documentaries so I can learn and multitask.... I didn't realize I was doing that. But Luke- he knows how to relax!) Here's a peak into our weekend...

1. Friday night consisted of responsibilities with a little bit of relaxing with LDH. We get really excited about watching any movie or show together. Our recent DVD purchase was As Good As It Gets. So classic. I love Jack Nicholson. If you haven't seen it- go watch it now!

2. Saturday morning was a baking extravaganza for Sunday morning church. (I also baked cookies for Luke's students and some of the teachers at Luke's school.) The spread: yogurt cake with berries & graham cracker cookies with chocolate centers! (We did just a little taste testing.)

3. We had the pleasure of hanging out with our godson on Saturday too. He is such a charmer. And he is learning to walk! Watch out, world!

3. We "house sat" and cared for our friend's baby (a.k.a. dog), Laila, over the weekend. She thinks she is a human. We love house sitting for Josh and Ashley. Their house is lovely, and they have cable. (We are quite archaic... we don't even have a TV!) They also have X Box Kinect, which makes us jealous. It is the most. fun. ever! Thanks Josh and Ashley!

I hope your weekend was equally lovely...

Time For Joy

"The Lord will comfort Israel again and have pity on her ruins. Her desert will blossom like Eden, her barren wilderness like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found there. Songs of thanksgiving will fill the air." - Isaiah 51:3

There is something about the Christmas season that fills me with joy. The cold nights, barren branches, crackling fires... everything seems to evidence the mercy and beauty of God. He swoops us up and reminds us of His promises. He will heal us and restore us. We can "start over"- and fall in love with our God again and again. Winter demonstrates the fading and falling away of the old to make room for new life. My heart fills with hope that I have a Savior who triumphs over my sin. He is more persistent than I can comprehend and more tangible than my mind can fathom.

Gifts of the Season

This season is one of sweet relief. Luke and I often marvel at how much transition we have experienced in our marriage so far. Multiple jobs, piles of homework, exams, tough decisions, hurdles, and triumphs. We feel so loved through the opportunities and generosity we have received. But still, change can be hard and can feel just plain stressful. 

As we arrive in December, our hearts feel full and thoughtful. We have clarity where we used to see question marks. Luke is greatly encouraged in his path of teaching at the junior college level. What a blessing! He is such a natural instuctor and has the ability to make any subject compelling. I am so proud of him for pursuing what he set his heart on long ago. Sometimes we move forward in things- not because they are easy, but because we know it is right. After a mental and emotional tug-of-war, I feel confident and excited when I think of my educational and career path from this point on. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the ability to change my mind in a millisecond, and I have no problem switching around my whole life to accommodate my newest plans. My past indecision has made it incredibly hard to move forward. I am at one of those forks in the road... and when you have changed your mind as much as I have- the thought of making a mistake is terrifying.

With the support and counsel of my sweet husband, I have come to realize that a job and "success" in this world is useless. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. What a thought. When it comes down to it, I want to: be sanctified and share the love of God, glorify God through my life, equip families, and love on and encourage women and children. So simple, really. I am moving forward with my child development studies, feeling confident that God has led me here- and will continue to speak to me through this adventure. 

Sometimes we make hard decisions, and instantly a weight is lifted off our shoulders. That is this season for us. We look ahead and see: more time with our family and friends, a future that honors (and is compatible with) each other, knowing the love of Christ more deeply, getting to know our church family even better, and having time to cherish the little things- which are actually the big things.

This is a short life we live- and I am ready to soak up the rest and joy that comes in this holiday season. I hope you find joy and renewed faith in this time.

XXOO

Cheers!