Testimony Part 2: Luke

A foreword: When I met Luke, he was a young-faced man with a pile of curls on top of his head and a stack of books in his arms. He was always donning a tie and ordering the same drink at Starbucks, where I worked at the time. I remember the day he turned in an application, and the day I trained him on the espresso bar. We became friends immediately. He seemed much cooler and more cultured than I was. He would tell me about new bands and share fascinating and comical anecdotes. We were both in serious relationships at the time -- so there was never any romantic notion. Plus, Luke was a “good guy” and I was not a “good girl”. We worked together for years; he had a front row seat to the ups and downs of my life at that time. A long while later, he and I were both single and spending more time together. I was attracted to him; he was unlike any guy I had ever met. He was a gentlemen. He loved God. He was intelligent. He challenged me. Much to my surprise, he showed interest in me. I left our job at Starbucks. Then we dated, somewhat briefly. I had concluded he was a good guy -- and I still felt like a “bad” girl. I couldn't accept a love that was 100%. I was meant to be with someone less smitten with me, I was sure. Terrified of commitment and convinced I was not deserving someone like him, I freaked out and found a way out of the relationship.

Fast forward:

For about a year before Luke and I were engaged, I couldn’t stop listening to Mars Hill podcasts on marriage. They had a series on Song of Songs: “The Peasant Princess”. (Whether you are married or single, I would highly recommend this series!) The sermons were full of important (Biblical) information: what constitutes a real man, what is a Godly woman, what defines purity before and in marriage, what marriage means before God, etc. Why was I fascinated with this series before Luke and I were even back together? I had no idea at the time, but I listened to the entire series multiple times. Looking back, it seems God was preparing me for marriage. It seems like I knew I better figure out what it would mean to be married.

To say I was incredibly confused, even just months before Luke and I got together, is a radical understatement. I was coming out of a time of brokenness (while wanting to be married), and it was not simple on a logical or an emotional level. I met with a couple of close friends who I could be open with- who would not suggest a mental institution first and foremost. (Thank you Michelle, Valerie, and Amy. You are wonderful!) To simplify why I was so confused: I had been in serious relationship(s) prior to marriage. I had also received “confirmation” from people about these relationships. (For example: "There is no one else for you -- I'm sure of it." or "Nothing would make sense if you two were not together.") People told me to be patient and wait for things to “come around“. The reality is, those “other things” were not right -- nor were they edifying or healthy for me (or them). There is another thing too... if you read my testimony, you’ll recall that I hurt a lot of people that did not deserve to be hurt. Looking back, I realized I felt indebted because of my past sin and foolish actions. Looking back, I realize that we do not stay in the past out of guilt or condemnation. God allows us to move forward in freedom. Anyway…

I had coffee with Valerie one afternoon and was feeling especially open about my situation. I told Valerie that something about Luke almost bothered me. We went to the same church, and had overlapping social circles. I would run into him and he seemed to get stuck in my head. He would also make me all smiley and unable to control the emotions that I really liked to keep on lockdown. Why couldn’t I put on my game face with him?! Valerie asked, “What would life be like if you and Luke were together?” I paused for a moment and then said, “I think life would feel… fuller… somehow enriched.” Valerie just nodded. She was such a blessing to talk to. She has this way of being open and not pushing for a specific outcome in difficult situations.

I decided to fast. I needed to take some things away to gain some clarity. At the same time, I landed in a ministry that paralleled with Luke’s. It was the kind of thing that reached out and grabbed me. And without much of a choice, I needed his help to navigate through this new situation. He encouraged me and assured me that God had prepared me and would use my past to encourage others. He simply said, “You’ve got this. Give me a call if you need anything.”

I needed help. I had never mentored someone or helped them through such difficult problems before. I called Luke more than a handful of times, and kept running into him at the Starbucks we used to work at. One night I ran into him at Starbucks, and I was feeling pretty goofy due to my lack of food from the fast. I didn’t have much of a filter when talking to him that night. We laughed -- and he showed me pictures of dinosaurs and cute kids. We kept talking after Starbucks kicked us out at closing. We continued to talk in the parking lot until I couldn’t feel my toes. He casually mentioned he might be pulling an all-nighter to finish a paper because of how long we talked. Woops. I went to sleep that night knowing that we were going to get married. Seriously?! Yep.

We planned a time to get together to talk openly about what was going on with “us”. He made me go first. Hands trembling and feeling like a scared little girl, I spilled. I told him how confused I had been. I told him about the terrible things I had done -- and why I didn’t think he would want to be with someone like me. And then I told him I thought we were supposed to be together. He was gracious. He listened intently. Much to my relief, he didn’t judge me. He thought we were supposed to be together too.

He continued to tell me what he had experienced since we had been apart. He wanted to be with someone -- but nothing felt right. He grew a lot -- and realized how much we had both gained in the time we were not together. We talked about God... we talked about marriage... we talked about how we would honor each other before marriage… we dreamed about what the future could hold for us.

As much as I loved Luke then, I love him so much more now. There is something so huge that happens when you agree to do life with someone, in light of who you have been, what you have done, while knowing who God says you are and who He calls you to be. Luke has been my encourager… my reminder of God’s forgiveness and mercy in my life. Luke is one of my greatest example’s of how God loves us. Without deserving or understanding how or why, God lavishes us with gifts, despite our shortcomings and failures. My marriage to Luke has changed my heart forever. I realized I was undeserving. I was given so much more than I asked for. I expected to love someone more than they could love me. I was given someone who loves me thoroughly -- knowing everything about me. There is so much more I could say about Luke -- about marriage -- and about God's continual work in my life. But if I needed to sum it up and make it relevant for someone else, I would say this:

God loves to give us more than we deserve. Do not settle. Do not expect the worst for your future. Don't diminish your value -- especially in relationships. You are worthy of receiving love. You are not defined by what you have done. His timing is perfect. Have confidence in the process. Repent. Forgive yourself, and say sorry when it is necessary. Be honest; it's hard, but you will never regret living truthfully. If you want to be married someday, don't rush or waste your heart on anything less than what God has for you. If you are married, be blessed and sanctified through the union God has you in. To evidence incredible God's love, all you need to do is open your eyes and look around you!