Truth Be Told

Pregnancy is a strange thing. I feel as though I am still waiting to feel... pregnant. Sometimes I look down at my (almost) 17 week belly and wonder if I look pregnant yet. I am starting to feel the baby move a little. Other than that, I am not sure I even feel pregnant most of the time. I take it back. The other night I was doing push-ups, and my belly touched the ground before my chest. That was a pregnancy moment, I suppose!

Inspiration for my maternity photo shoot... totally kidding. Image c/o Pinterest

You hear so many things about pregnancy as if they are your destiny. "Wait until..." and "Oh, you wait!" There are dozens of opinions about what you choose to do and not do. There are suggestions as to why you are experiencing pregnancy certain ways and not others. There are also women who express that every moment of pregnancy felt as magnificent as robotic unicorns with rainbow laser-shooting eyes.

One of my hopes is that I will be the type of mom who is honest with other women. I have friends who have felt bummed after seeing the image that other moms project online. It's not to say that people shouldn't express joy over their adventures in motherhood. But women should also be able to say, "Guess where my child had a massive diaper blowout?" and "I need some adult interaction to feel like a human today!"

Here are some of my personal pregnancy thoughts thus far:

-It is weird to see my body change. I expected to go from normal to pregnant-looking. I didn't expect the in-between to last so long. Don't throw things at me! I am not saying it's not beautiful or it's not a miracle. I'm just saying it looks like I wolfed down a monstrous burrito. The question strangers wonder is did she... and how delicious was it?

-I'm not weepy or super emotional (yet). I expected to be buying tissues in bulk. Luke says I'm just more spicy than usual. (He's nice.) ;)

-It's not always easy to bond with your fetus. Some people read their unborn child books or talk to him or her. I just go on runs and think and pray about the little human he or she will be. I don't know who he or she is yet! I certainly don't want to pretend or force myself to bond when it feels unnatural for me. I am looking forward to knowing if we are having a boy or a girl so I can know one thing about our mysterious unborn child.

And here's some sunshine for you so you don't swear me off forever:

-My best friend gave me some hand-me-down gender neutral baby clothes. (Our baby will fit in those little things?! How cute!)

-I might be nesting. Or I might be into organizing my house. Either way, I am loving simplifying and seeing our physical space change in light of the little one coming.

-I'm daydreaming about fall and Christmas when we will be a family of three. What better way to enjoy my favorite seasons than with our firstborn child? I can just smell the new baby and pumpkin latte now... ;)

A Miniature Hawkins

I didn't expect pregnancy to feel so surreal. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been trying to convince myself that it was really happening. I told myself that nothing is certain and that I should not get ahead of myself. This mentality made the news slow to sink in. We initially told some family and friends. Then some more. Then it leaked. Even after the "news" was out, I was still waiting for it to feel real to me. The nausea and tiredness was profound, but still I wanted to be realistic.

The little ones at the preschool found out (earlier than planned). One of the many things I love about them is their faith. They teach me things about God all the time. Their faith is astounding. Their faith carried over to the news of baby. They had no doubts about me having a baby. It was instantly real to them. I could write so many pages on the sweet (and hilarious) commentary from the preschoolers, but I will spare you most of the details. However, our unborn baby has received more flowers from the preschoolers than I have probably received in my lifetime. Our baby has also received rocks, jewels, and other valuable tokens to preschool-aged children. They have all sorts of ideas about gender, names, which preschool class would be suitable, and when the baby should be born.

A pocket full of gifts

I've had two appointments and each one has further convinced me of this little life inside of me. It has been miraculous to see the baby move on the screen and hear the little heartbeat. The last couple of days have been really weird because people are starting to comment on my belly. (I have a belly?) I'm beginning to think it looks different from having a big burrito for lunch. ;) Luke's reaction to my new belly is hilarious. I think we're both a little astonished that the little being in there is starting to make his or herself visible to the outside world.

Pregnancy is so mysterious to me. This time in my life feels sort of like when we were planning to get married. You think of all your shortcomings and your past sins. You think of how you are ill-equipped although you've planned, hoped, and anticipated. You think of how hard it will be, but how long you have dreamed of the day you would have a son or daughter. But by the grace of God, He given us a baby. Only by the grace of God will I be a mother to this little one. God has blessed me so tremendously and I have gained nothing on my own. I hope that through this experience I can see the blessing-- and look up to the Blessor.

Who is Leading You?

Are there things in your life that prompt you to go into hyperspeed? For me, that would be four classes, student teaching, and work. My days have become increasingly busy. Four to five hours of homework in the morning. Work. Additional hours of homework in the evening. Don't get me wrong-- I love it. In fact, this morning I wandered around our little home on a break from learning about childhood obesity. I started noticing little things around our home that brighten my day. My lemon soy candle. The delicious and healthful lunch my husband prepared for me the night before. I opened the door so I could peek at the little birds making nests in front of our home. I could see the jasmine plant blooming. I could see the sea glass surrounding our miniature herb garden. These are some of my favorite moments.

This morning Luke was telling me about a small group he is attending at our church. The guys are reading a book on discipline. (This subject has been an interest to both of us over these last several months.) He told me he had to choose a concept to meditate on and that I should do the same. I instantly decided I should meditate on peace and balance before the Lord. (What could I need more?!) This morning I began to think about what it means to have balance as a believer in Christ. Suddenly I thought, I am always concerned with what I think I need instead of thinking about who is leading me. God knows how to lead me. 

Image c/o Pinterest

What a relief to have those thoughts this morning. Why be concerned with what you think you need? Can't you look around and see evidence... that God doesn't just know what you need. He knows how to love you and how to lead you. I will find comfort in that today and hopefully for many days to come. 

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;I will turn the darkness into light before them    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;    I will not forsake them.-Isaiah 42:16

Canopy

Canopy by Janet Storer

Today started out just like any other Sunday. We always sleep in a little. We drink our coffee and get ourselves decent to go to our beloved Gospel Church. We arrived at church and worship began. Worship was so heartfelt and renewing this morning. I didn't anticipate that God wanted to work on big things in my heart. I began to feel like my perspective of life makes the things I do more stressful and less enjoyable. In fact, I realized that many people endure great challenges and difficult circumstances while making time for things that are important... expressing joy and gratitude for what God has done... and acknowledging God's control over their lives. Doesn't it feel better when we realize that it is not our job to have supreme control and power over our lives? (Who thinks they are good at that, anyway?)

At the end of church, we took communion. This is where I repent for things sins I have committed knowingly and unknowingly. Every time I take communion, I find myself asking God to forgive me for trying to be in control of my own life. I have worked so hard to feel like I have everything mapped out so it will "work out." The truth of the matter is I have made all my own plans and left no room for reliance on Him. How can I increase my faith when I don't lean on Him? How can I rest in Him when I am so busy making my own plans? Do I want to settle for my sub par plans, or lay down my religious tendencies and enjoy the plans that God has for me?

It is such an exciting time for us right now. We are feeling the pull between where we were in the past and where God is calling us in the future. I want to follow Him with more abandon, commitment, and joy than I ever have. I want to completely destroy my contrived plans for my life and allow myself to dream with God again. How will I ever live this life for Jesus if I am living in fear... fear of man... fear of failing... fear of imperfection? Undoubtedly, someone will disapprove. I will fail time and time again. And I will never achieve perfection as long as my heart beats and my feet walk this earth! I am ready to live differently. It will be scary-- and it will be different, but here I go...