After Tragedy... What Now?

I heard the news before I went into work on Friday. I felt disconnected and numb. I had to not let it sink in. I had to walk into my work, the preschool, and be full of joy and light as I look at all those little faces of children I am privileged to serve. As I held those little hands and listened to those little voices on Friday, I thought about how much each child has something incredibly unique and valuable to contribute to the world. I could tell you endless things that those children contribute to my life and the lives of those around them. It was not until I went home that night that I heard the President speak. I watched the news coverage. I lost it. I began to see all the faces of the children I love. I cannot imagine losing one of them. I began to feel frustrated that there is nothing I can do... there is nothing any mortal can do to prevent these disasters... to keep all children safe from horrendous tragedy. As sad as I feel for those families... for the children who passed... for the children who were escorted out of that building... we have to cling to hope in order to move forward. This morning I listened to a parent speak. He lost his little girl that Friday. Tears filled his eyes as he gave his sympathy for the family of the young man who killed so many. He proceeded to talk about the strengths of his little girl. He talked about how she made cards for others who were sad. She was so quick to want to help others and make them feel better. As much as hearing about this little girl breaks my heart, it also gives me courage. I need to trust that as people, we only have a limited understanding for what happens on this Earth and why. We have a God who is more than capable of making beauty from ashes. He heals. He binds up wounds. He is just. Although we can't undo the tragic event that took place at Sandy Hook, we can pray, hope, and trust that God is bigger. That community has to press forward. Our nation must work through the grief and fear that follows these events. We must work together to find solutions, to think creatively about how we can protect our children and spare the lives of innocent people. When I go back to work today, I carry a new appreciation and understanding with me. When I look into the eyes of those little ones, I understand they are fragile. They are mortal. They are not guaranteed to be with us. And I need to be strong for them. By being strong... I mean I need to trust the Lord. Rely on His wisdom when I don't know what more to do. I know that in serving Him, I will be ready to do whatever is necessary to keep these little ones from harm. To shield their eyes from evil. To protect their little hearts and bodies from anyone who could want ill for them. I am beyond grateful to be a teacher. To know these little people who are so malleable, so courageous, and so hopeful... with bright and brilliant futures ahead.

Thank you, God... for loving all of us more than we are capable of understanding. Thank you for being with those families who have lost their little ones. I pray you give them a peace that only You could provide. I pray you draw them in close to You as you mend their hearts. I ask that your will is done in that community... that You strengthen people and give them comfort in the company of each other. I pray that as a nation we can grieve together -- and then work together to make a difference in the future. Thank You, God, for the little ones You have entrusted in our care. I pray that You never let our hearts grow unappreciative or unaware of how truly blessed we are to be in the company of young children... they are so precious to You.

I'm sorry if you are one of those people who have seen "too much" of the news and heard "too much" through social media or otherwise. As much as I considered not posting something of this nature, I believe it is important to process and grieve when lives are lost. I hope and pray that as we are impacted by the media, we continue to think creatively and openly about what should be done for our future.

Some Secrets

Image c/o Modern Hepburn

First of all, let me just tell you: this is nothing super juicy.  No I'm not pregnant- and nothing major is going on.  ;)  Only little things that are major in my mind, you see.  Now you know you can turn away if you came here for the racy stuff.

It has been quite a while since have posted anything.  But a lot has changed!  There are some happenings in the Hawkins family...

1.  I have cysts on my ovaries.  That's weird.  Let me tell you... if you ever want to feel knocked sideways crazy you tell Jesus you would like to experience some cysts.  It was actually a blessing to know what exactly was going on with my body because feeling super sick and not knowing a thing can feel rather intimidating.  So I possibly have some syndrome...  I have to watch and see what craziness goes on with my body.  The natural way to manage this?  Nutrition and exercise.  Good thing I like both of those ideas.

2.  Luke is fully submerged in a new position as management for his company.  He now goes on business trips (boo for me) and teaches technology to teachers.  He is still teaching at the same school.  But now he gets to write curriculum and travel for work.  I am so proud of how hard he works and how God has blessed me through Luke's work ethic and passion for education.  My husband is pretty fantastic.

3.  School is in full swing for me (full time) and I am still working the best job in the world at the preschool.  What this means is my room is filthy (So warn me if you are coming over!), free time is rare, and my brain is overflowing with information.  I feel overwhelmed, but exceedingly blessed to be finishing my degree and studying a subject that is precious to me and Jesus!

4.  Some random dietary news... (Hey, you're reading my blog and I love this stuff.)  Luke and I are off coffee and loving tea.  Shocking, right?  One of my coworkers said, "You guys can't do that!  You met at a coffee shop!"  :)  Also, I am convinced that to pursue my athletic endeavors and to be a healthy, balanced mom (one day) I want to eat meat.  I know that's a little wild for those of you who really know me.  This vegetarianism thing has existed almost as long as I have been alive.  I could rattle on for a long time about this subject but I will try to make it brief.  All the trainers/nutritionists I love eat meat and promote the ethical and moderate consumption of meat for optimal health and fitness.  I have brushed it off until now.  Mentally it will take some time.  But I am excited about having more options and feeling more energized from protein. Additionally, Luke and I want to have children some day.  They will live out in the world and attend school where meat is served and all around.  Why not understand the options we have available and help our children navigate the issue in a way that promotes thoughtful choices?  They will get to make their own decisions, but I want to provide options and make sure they are healthy and happy.

That's all my ranting for now... time to do something academic.  (Hooray.)

P.S.  I don't know how to cook ANYTHING that was once alive.  So if you have some healthy recipes, help a sister out.  But I will probably skip the cow meat... maybe forever.

Thoughts On Beige Food

Image c/o Etsy

Those who know me probably know this: I am completely nerdy about wellness, nutrition, and exercise. This is a strange thing for those who knew me about three years ago. I grew up as a vegetarian by choice. My family ate meat and I ate... about five things. Pasta, potatoes, cheese, bread, and milk. My dad recently reminded me that I used to pick out any specs of color from my food and ask how animals were killed to become meat. (Not exactly a meal time conversation you might expect from a child.) I wanted to eat things of a certain texture. I wanted to eat things that tasted good and made me full. I ate this way (picky and vegetarian) until around the time Luke and I got engaged. Why? I was in love and I wanted to live a long and healthy life with Luke. I also wanted my diet to be a way I worshiped God. Wasn't my body a temple? I surely didn't treat it like it was something fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I began watching documentaries and scouring the internet. I had to change the way I thought and felt about food. I had to go from ignorance, mindless eating, and desiring instant gratification to asking questions. Why should my food be colorful? Am I eating because I am hungry? Why shouldn't I eat fast food? Why don't I eat meat? Food is important. We should have opinions about why we eat certain things and why we avoid other things. There are reasons most people don't feel well. There are reasons Americans are dying from heart disease. There are reasons obesity is an epidemic.

I am newly into fitness. I spent so much of my life being lazy. Now I need to make up for lost time. I didn't realize how much happier I would be with an active lifestyle. I used to be a depressed person. Now I am not. I really believe that running and regular exercise changed this for me. (Not to mention Jesus... but that's another story.) Now I want to always have fitness goals. If I don't make this a priority now, I will spend the rest of my life making excuses about why I am sitting on my butt. 

My goal here is not to "preach". My goal is to say if I can do it, you can too. I used to only eat things that are beige. I used to maybe eat one fruit a week. I used to get tired from going on long walks. I used to... weigh fifteen pounds heavier than I am right now. (True story.) All of this to say, please get inspired about what you eat and the way you treat your body. You can feel better. You can be active. You can live a long and healthy life with your loved ones. It's worth it! You are worth it, my friend.

On Marriage

Shannon Moore Photography

After tons of green tea and some important conversations with a couple of dear friends, my mind is on marriage. Marriage is many things to the world: political, controversial, offensive, celebratory, captivating, mysterious, sacred... the list goes on and on. It seems clear that marriage is important. Otherwise, what would all the fuss be about? When I think of marriage, words come to mind based on my own experiences: transforming, hilarious, comforting, sanctifying, restoring, authentic, unique, enriching. Just before Luke and I got married, I had come out of a (very) difficult time. I did not feel like a good person. (I wasn't.) I didn't like who I was. I did not feel that I deserved the blessing and experience of falling in love and becoming engaged. Especially to Luke. Luke seemed to be the opposite of how I felt on the inside. He was honest, patient, consistent, gentle, loyal, and loving. He and I had known each other for years. Luke knew the best and worst of me, so I was stunned that this man still wanted to marry me. 

Even after we exchanged vows, it took my heart some time to accept his love for me. Why would I be freely given such a beautiful gift? Then one day, it was as if a light bulb turned on. My marriage was a symbol of God's grace and mercy in my life. It reflects what God has done for me- and for us. God is generous. He gives good gifts. He blesses us when we don't deserve it. He loves us in ways that soften our hardened hearts until we change and grow. I have learned so much about the way God loves me through Luke. I can't help but hope and pray that this is what marriage looks and feels like for all Christians.

I am thankful that God has blessed me with an incredible husband in Luke. My experience of marriage gives me hope and faith that my friends and family will also be blessed through their marriages. What an incredible way to experience life on this Earth... to be humbled... to say sorry... to laugh until you cry... to talk about Jesus... to change together. If you are reading this and you have been hurt by marriage- I am so sorry and I pray God will restore your mind and heal your heart. If you are reading this and you are discouraged- I pray God will show you how He loves you more than any one person is able to. (How can you be discouraged when you are convinced that you are truly loved by the God of the universe?) If you are reading this and you are not a Christian- I pray God will reveal Himself to you... that you can see evidence of His love in people, in nature, and in the ways He is already demonstrating His love for you in your life. Marriage is not the only way God shows us He loves us, but for me it has been healing, joyful, and precious. I am confident that God has enormous plans for you... ways He wants to love you that are more beautiful than you can imagine or hope for yourself. 

Lessons in Springtime

Image via Modern Hepburn

There is something about springtime that makes me cheerful. I find myself eagerly anticipating upcoming events: Easter, my birthday (which means much needed time with family and friends), our 5K, the eventual end of the school semester, summer, Live Oak, our second wedding anniversary, etc. It's all right around the corner! There are always things to look forward to... which is great. My mind can't help but think of the next two plus years and all that might take place within that time. Why must I try to plan the rest of my life before it begins? I hope to teach myself to slow down and be a little less Type A. Deep down I know I am not the one who is in control of my life. 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." 

- Proverbs 16:9

Now that I am on spring break, I will catch up on cleaning, homework, and sleep. I should also spend time savoring this season and enjoying the gifts that God is giving me now. Running. Falling asleep to the sound of the rain. Meaningful conversations with loved ones. Sleeping in. Morning coffee dates with Luke. Reading the Bible before bed. Cinnamon in my black coffee. Nights I get to cook from scratch. Quiet mornings around the house. Cuddles from the little ones.

Life is made up of little things (and some huge things). Jesus. People. The moments we treasure. It's time to step away from my plans and spend more time celebrating this amazing life and the joys in it.

My Soul Glorifies

I'm sad I haven't written more lately. But I am not sad that I spent the last few weeks memorizing over 96 names of wee ones. I am not sad that life feels full and my heart feels grateful for the intricate way God has pieced my life together. I am reminding myself that in times of busyness, the little things done unto the Lord are the big things that make up our life. Tonight my husband thanked me for baking for church -- and I remembered how blessed I am to be able to love people through homemade baked goods. I am also able to pray over 3 year-old's when they are having rough days. I can thank God while I help them jump from play structures into the sand. I can sing worship songs when I am in the car during my 14-hours away from home days. I can absorb the beauty of where we live when I am training for a 5K (and the eventual half marathon) with my husband. All of these little things make me so happy that I could burst. Jesus is always good, and I should always remember to thank Him.

Decision

I started to think about something I used to identify with: indecision. What makes someone indecisive? For me, it was rocky relationships, constantly changing career goals, inconsistent emotions, lack of commitment, and reoccurring bouts of overall dissatisfaction. Even my short hair cuts displayed my indecision. (I must have been pretty fun, right?) I no longer identify with indecision. Today I thought to myself, What changed?

I found hope that I could change. There is something about hope that is contagious. It spreads to all other areas of life. (Hope is from God; anything else that is called hope is simply masquerading as hope.) When we believe in Jesus, He gives us His strength and changes our lives. Looking back, I have no idea what I did... because I didn't really do anything. It was all God. My heart is different now. My eyes are set on Him. I am far from perfect; but looking to Him for my identity and my path is what made me more decisive.

Multiple areas of my life are starting to show this change. I love Luke without holding back. I am working my dream job- spending my days with the little ones. I am moving towards completing my degree. But more than any of these things, I no longer look inward for my identity. My hope is in Jesus. He sets my footing. He holds my future in His hands.