A Miniature Hawkins

I didn't expect pregnancy to feel so surreal. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been trying to convince myself that it was really happening. I told myself that nothing is certain and that I should not get ahead of myself. This mentality made the news slow to sink in. We initially told some family and friends. Then some more. Then it leaked. Even after the "news" was out, I was still waiting for it to feel real to me. The nausea and tiredness was profound, but still I wanted to be realistic.

The little ones at the preschool found out (earlier than planned). One of the many things I love about them is their faith. They teach me things about God all the time. Their faith is astounding. Their faith carried over to the news of baby. They had no doubts about me having a baby. It was instantly real to them. I could write so many pages on the sweet (and hilarious) commentary from the preschoolers, but I will spare you most of the details. However, our unborn baby has received more flowers from the preschoolers than I have probably received in my lifetime. Our baby has also received rocks, jewels, and other valuable tokens to preschool-aged children. They have all sorts of ideas about gender, names, which preschool class would be suitable, and when the baby should be born.

A pocket full of gifts

I've had two appointments and each one has further convinced me of this little life inside of me. It has been miraculous to see the baby move on the screen and hear the little heartbeat. The last couple of days have been really weird because people are starting to comment on my belly. (I have a belly?) I'm beginning to think it looks different from having a big burrito for lunch. ;) Luke's reaction to my new belly is hilarious. I think we're both a little astonished that the little being in there is starting to make his or herself visible to the outside world.

Pregnancy is so mysterious to me. This time in my life feels sort of like when we were planning to get married. You think of all your shortcomings and your past sins. You think of how you are ill-equipped although you've planned, hoped, and anticipated. You think of how hard it will be, but how long you have dreamed of the day you would have a son or daughter. But by the grace of God, He given us a baby. Only by the grace of God will I be a mother to this little one. God has blessed me so tremendously and I have gained nothing on my own. I hope that through this experience I can see the blessing-- and look up to the Blessor.

Who is Leading You?

Are there things in your life that prompt you to go into hyperspeed? For me, that would be four classes, student teaching, and work. My days have become increasingly busy. Four to five hours of homework in the morning. Work. Additional hours of homework in the evening. Don't get me wrong-- I love it. In fact, this morning I wandered around our little home on a break from learning about childhood obesity. I started noticing little things around our home that brighten my day. My lemon soy candle. The delicious and healthful lunch my husband prepared for me the night before. I opened the door so I could peek at the little birds making nests in front of our home. I could see the jasmine plant blooming. I could see the sea glass surrounding our miniature herb garden. These are some of my favorite moments.

This morning Luke was telling me about a small group he is attending at our church. The guys are reading a book on discipline. (This subject has been an interest to both of us over these last several months.) He told me he had to choose a concept to meditate on and that I should do the same. I instantly decided I should meditate on peace and balance before the Lord. (What could I need more?!) This morning I began to think about what it means to have balance as a believer in Christ. Suddenly I thought, I am always concerned with what I think I need instead of thinking about who is leading me. God knows how to lead me. 

Image c/o Pinterest

What a relief to have those thoughts this morning. Why be concerned with what you think you need? Can't you look around and see evidence... that God doesn't just know what you need. He knows how to love you and how to lead you. I will find comfort in that today and hopefully for many days to come. 

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;I will turn the darkness into light before them    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;    I will not forsake them.-Isaiah 42:16

Canopy

Canopy by Janet Storer

Today started out just like any other Sunday. We always sleep in a little. We drink our coffee and get ourselves decent to go to our beloved Gospel Church. We arrived at church and worship began. Worship was so heartfelt and renewing this morning. I didn't anticipate that God wanted to work on big things in my heart. I began to feel like my perspective of life makes the things I do more stressful and less enjoyable. In fact, I realized that many people endure great challenges and difficult circumstances while making time for things that are important... expressing joy and gratitude for what God has done... and acknowledging God's control over their lives. Doesn't it feel better when we realize that it is not our job to have supreme control and power over our lives? (Who thinks they are good at that, anyway?)

At the end of church, we took communion. This is where I repent for things sins I have committed knowingly and unknowingly. Every time I take communion, I find myself asking God to forgive me for trying to be in control of my own life. I have worked so hard to feel like I have everything mapped out so it will "work out." The truth of the matter is I have made all my own plans and left no room for reliance on Him. How can I increase my faith when I don't lean on Him? How can I rest in Him when I am so busy making my own plans? Do I want to settle for my sub par plans, or lay down my religious tendencies and enjoy the plans that God has for me?

It is such an exciting time for us right now. We are feeling the pull between where we were in the past and where God is calling us in the future. I want to follow Him with more abandon, commitment, and joy than I ever have. I want to completely destroy my contrived plans for my life and allow myself to dream with God again. How will I ever live this life for Jesus if I am living in fear... fear of man... fear of failing... fear of imperfection? Undoubtedly, someone will disapprove. I will fail time and time again. And I will never achieve perfection as long as my heart beats and my feet walk this earth! I am ready to live differently. It will be scary-- and it will be different, but here I go...

After Tragedy... What Now?

I heard the news before I went into work on Friday. I felt disconnected and numb. I had to not let it sink in. I had to walk into my work, the preschool, and be full of joy and light as I look at all those little faces of children I am privileged to serve. As I held those little hands and listened to those little voices on Friday, I thought about how much each child has something incredibly unique and valuable to contribute to the world. I could tell you endless things that those children contribute to my life and the lives of those around them. It was not until I went home that night that I heard the President speak. I watched the news coverage. I lost it. I began to see all the faces of the children I love. I cannot imagine losing one of them. I began to feel frustrated that there is nothing I can do... there is nothing any mortal can do to prevent these disasters... to keep all children safe from horrendous tragedy. As sad as I feel for those families... for the children who passed... for the children who were escorted out of that building... we have to cling to hope in order to move forward. This morning I listened to a parent speak. He lost his little girl that Friday. Tears filled his eyes as he gave his sympathy for the family of the young man who killed so many. He proceeded to talk about the strengths of his little girl. He talked about how she made cards for others who were sad. She was so quick to want to help others and make them feel better. As much as hearing about this little girl breaks my heart, it also gives me courage. I need to trust that as people, we only have a limited understanding for what happens on this Earth and why. We have a God who is more than capable of making beauty from ashes. He heals. He binds up wounds. He is just. Although we can't undo the tragic event that took place at Sandy Hook, we can pray, hope, and trust that God is bigger. That community has to press forward. Our nation must work through the grief and fear that follows these events. We must work together to find solutions, to think creatively about how we can protect our children and spare the lives of innocent people. When I go back to work today, I carry a new appreciation and understanding with me. When I look into the eyes of those little ones, I understand they are fragile. They are mortal. They are not guaranteed to be with us. And I need to be strong for them. By being strong... I mean I need to trust the Lord. Rely on His wisdom when I don't know what more to do. I know that in serving Him, I will be ready to do whatever is necessary to keep these little ones from harm. To shield their eyes from evil. To protect their little hearts and bodies from anyone who could want ill for them. I am beyond grateful to be a teacher. To know these little people who are so malleable, so courageous, and so hopeful... with bright and brilliant futures ahead.

Thank you, God... for loving all of us more than we are capable of understanding. Thank you for being with those families who have lost their little ones. I pray you give them a peace that only You could provide. I pray you draw them in close to You as you mend their hearts. I ask that your will is done in that community... that You strengthen people and give them comfort in the company of each other. I pray that as a nation we can grieve together -- and then work together to make a difference in the future. Thank You, God, for the little ones You have entrusted in our care. I pray that You never let our hearts grow unappreciative or unaware of how truly blessed we are to be in the company of young children... they are so precious to You.

I'm sorry if you are one of those people who have seen "too much" of the news and heard "too much" through social media or otherwise. As much as I considered not posting something of this nature, I believe it is important to process and grieve when lives are lost. I hope and pray that as we are impacted by the media, we continue to think creatively and openly about what should be done for our future.

Some Secrets

Image c/o Modern Hepburn

First of all, let me just tell you: this is nothing super juicy.  No I'm not pregnant- and nothing major is going on.  ;)  Only little things that are major in my mind, you see.  Now you know you can turn away if you came here for the racy stuff.

It has been quite a while since have posted anything.  But a lot has changed!  There are some happenings in the Hawkins family...

1.  I have cysts on my ovaries.  That's weird.  Let me tell you... if you ever want to feel knocked sideways crazy you tell Jesus you would like to experience some cysts.  It was actually a blessing to know what exactly was going on with my body because feeling super sick and not knowing a thing can feel rather intimidating.  So I possibly have some syndrome...  I have to watch and see what craziness goes on with my body.  The natural way to manage this?  Nutrition and exercise.  Good thing I like both of those ideas.

2.  Luke is fully submerged in a new position as management for his company.  He now goes on business trips (boo for me) and teaches technology to teachers.  He is still teaching at the same school.  But now he gets to write curriculum and travel for work.  I am so proud of how hard he works and how God has blessed me through Luke's work ethic and passion for education.  My husband is pretty fantastic.

3.  School is in full swing for me (full time) and I am still working the best job in the world at the preschool.  What this means is my room is filthy (So warn me if you are coming over!), free time is rare, and my brain is overflowing with information.  I feel overwhelmed, but exceedingly blessed to be finishing my degree and studying a subject that is precious to me and Jesus!

4.  Some random dietary news... (Hey, you're reading my blog and I love this stuff.)  Luke and I are off coffee and loving tea.  Shocking, right?  One of my coworkers said, "You guys can't do that!  You met at a coffee shop!"  :)  Also, I am convinced that to pursue my athletic endeavors and to be a healthy, balanced mom (one day) I want to eat meat.  I know that's a little wild for those of you who really know me.  This vegetarianism thing has existed almost as long as I have been alive.  I could rattle on for a long time about this subject but I will try to make it brief.  All the trainers/nutritionists I love eat meat and promote the ethical and moderate consumption of meat for optimal health and fitness.  I have brushed it off until now.  Mentally it will take some time.  But I am excited about having more options and feeling more energized from protein. Additionally, Luke and I want to have children some day.  They will live out in the world and attend school where meat is served and all around.  Why not understand the options we have available and help our children navigate the issue in a way that promotes thoughtful choices?  They will get to make their own decisions, but I want to provide options and make sure they are healthy and happy.

That's all my ranting for now... time to do something academic.  (Hooray.)

P.S.  I don't know how to cook ANYTHING that was once alive.  So if you have some healthy recipes, help a sister out.  But I will probably skip the cow meat... maybe forever.

Thoughts On Beige Food

Image c/o Etsy

Those who know me probably know this: I am completely nerdy about wellness, nutrition, and exercise. This is a strange thing for those who knew me about three years ago. I grew up as a vegetarian by choice. My family ate meat and I ate... about five things. Pasta, potatoes, cheese, bread, and milk. My dad recently reminded me that I used to pick out any specs of color from my food and ask how animals were killed to become meat. (Not exactly a meal time conversation you might expect from a child.) I wanted to eat things of a certain texture. I wanted to eat things that tasted good and made me full. I ate this way (picky and vegetarian) until around the time Luke and I got engaged. Why? I was in love and I wanted to live a long and healthy life with Luke. I also wanted my diet to be a way I worshiped God. Wasn't my body a temple? I surely didn't treat it like it was something fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I began watching documentaries and scouring the internet. I had to change the way I thought and felt about food. I had to go from ignorance, mindless eating, and desiring instant gratification to asking questions. Why should my food be colorful? Am I eating because I am hungry? Why shouldn't I eat fast food? Why don't I eat meat? Food is important. We should have opinions about why we eat certain things and why we avoid other things. There are reasons most people don't feel well. There are reasons Americans are dying from heart disease. There are reasons obesity is an epidemic.

I am newly into fitness. I spent so much of my life being lazy. Now I need to make up for lost time. I didn't realize how much happier I would be with an active lifestyle. I used to be a depressed person. Now I am not. I really believe that running and regular exercise changed this for me. (Not to mention Jesus... but that's another story.) Now I want to always have fitness goals. If I don't make this a priority now, I will spend the rest of my life making excuses about why I am sitting on my butt. 

My goal here is not to "preach". My goal is to say if I can do it, you can too. I used to only eat things that are beige. I used to maybe eat one fruit a week. I used to get tired from going on long walks. I used to... weigh fifteen pounds heavier than I am right now. (True story.) All of this to say, please get inspired about what you eat and the way you treat your body. You can feel better. You can be active. You can live a long and healthy life with your loved ones. It's worth it! You are worth it, my friend.

On Marriage

Shannon Moore Photography

After tons of green tea and some important conversations with a couple of dear friends, my mind is on marriage. Marriage is many things to the world: political, controversial, offensive, celebratory, captivating, mysterious, sacred... the list goes on and on. It seems clear that marriage is important. Otherwise, what would all the fuss be about? When I think of marriage, words come to mind based on my own experiences: transforming, hilarious, comforting, sanctifying, restoring, authentic, unique, enriching. Just before Luke and I got married, I had come out of a (very) difficult time. I did not feel like a good person. (I wasn't.) I didn't like who I was. I did not feel that I deserved the blessing and experience of falling in love and becoming engaged. Especially to Luke. Luke seemed to be the opposite of how I felt on the inside. He was honest, patient, consistent, gentle, loyal, and loving. He and I had known each other for years. Luke knew the best and worst of me, so I was stunned that this man still wanted to marry me. 

Even after we exchanged vows, it took my heart some time to accept his love for me. Why would I be freely given such a beautiful gift? Then one day, it was as if a light bulb turned on. My marriage was a symbol of God's grace and mercy in my life. It reflects what God has done for me- and for us. God is generous. He gives good gifts. He blesses us when we don't deserve it. He loves us in ways that soften our hardened hearts until we change and grow. I have learned so much about the way God loves me through Luke. I can't help but hope and pray that this is what marriage looks and feels like for all Christians.

I am thankful that God has blessed me with an incredible husband in Luke. My experience of marriage gives me hope and faith that my friends and family will also be blessed through their marriages. What an incredible way to experience life on this Earth... to be humbled... to say sorry... to laugh until you cry... to talk about Jesus... to change together. If you are reading this and you have been hurt by marriage- I am so sorry and I pray God will restore your mind and heal your heart. If you are reading this and you are discouraged- I pray God will show you how He loves you more than any one person is able to. (How can you be discouraged when you are convinced that you are truly loved by the God of the universe?) If you are reading this and you are not a Christian- I pray God will reveal Himself to you... that you can see evidence of His love in people, in nature, and in the ways He is already demonstrating His love for you in your life. Marriage is not the only way God shows us He loves us, but for me it has been healing, joyful, and precious. I am confident that God has enormous plans for you... ways He wants to love you that are more beautiful than you can imagine or hope for yourself.